Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Voodoo map
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?