@ThisOneSayz

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

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@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

@SolelyB

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

@JohnLyonTweets

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@awhalefact

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@nachdermas

REHAB: I am going to get well
AHAB: I am going to get whale

@ShawtySouth

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.