@ThisOneSayz: Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, "ooohhh chicken nuggets!" as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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@PwrFulWmn: You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
@dubiousgenius: WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
@Try2StopME: If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
@Quartzjixler: Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name--screw you. I'm calling you what I've been calling you for the last 10 years.