Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Life with a cat in one tweet
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!