Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
You Might Also Like
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
everyone has that one prude friend
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.