Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Meow
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.