Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
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Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.