Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister