Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End