COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs…by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”