@SkippyMcGizzard

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

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@ArfMeasures

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

@indecision

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@shutupmikeginn

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

@OctopusCaveman

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

@gwatts77

A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs…by keeping Taco Bell open 24 hours.

@zachreinert03

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@BigFatNothing

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

@FlyJ_

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”