@SkippyMcGizzard

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

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@TheToddWilliams

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

@mariokeyparty

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@juliussharpe

Watching “Wizard of Oz”. I’d forgotten how the neighbor wants to kill Toto and Auntie Em and Uncle Henry were fine with it. Family fun!

@LorieGZ

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

@ItsAndyRyan

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

@Darlainky

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@MommaUnfiltered

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.