“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
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So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave