Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.