Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh