@GhostPanther: Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can't get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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@seamussaid: (Teen Jesus Season Finale) *TJ gracefully ascends into clouds* *everyone is in tears* *Mary M gets a txt* TJ (txt): high af rn
@TheCatWhisprer: Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I've ever said as a dad or a human.
@gruffybeard: Me: *walking through office with a big smile on my face* Coworker: Wow, you sure do have a lot of pep in your step today! You get lucky last night? [Flashback to that morning when I found 3 Doritos in my robe pocket getting out of shower] Me: Yes.