Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
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Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My work here is done
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3