@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

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@crmotwo

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

@moren1ke

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

@LovingIust

I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@delusions_of

If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.

@Smethanie

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

@ibid78

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-