amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?


i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain


I can’t be DMing you 6 memes and you only acknowledge the last one I sent. I want 6 separate replies.


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.


If this van’s a rocking it’s only cuz I practice karate in my van.


The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.


Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.


COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-