amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?