@mack44_d

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

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@bossy_bootz

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

@TravLeBlanc

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

@Its_Miss_Riss

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

@AngryRaccoon2

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

@NonCombosMentos

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

@celebrityhottub

I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree