@mack44_d
@bossy_bootz
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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@bossy_bootz
@TravLeBlanc
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
@Alex_Houseof308
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Henchmen: Who?
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
@Its_Miss_Riss
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
@ShortSleeveSuit
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
@AngryRaccoon2
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
@NonCombosMentos
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
@celebrityhottub
I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”
@iwearaonesie
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
@bestofnextdoor
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
