Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
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According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.