3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
You Might Also Like
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD