No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
You Might Also Like
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.