@hansabumsadaisy

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

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@NurseSeymour

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

@PinkCamoTO

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

@handsock_butts

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

@ArfMeasures

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

@PetrickSara

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@RodLacroix

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

@ddsmidt

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.