#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner