I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
Failure is not an option,
it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?
DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.