Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

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If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m


If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.


My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.


God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.


here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome


Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer


[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM


Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.


My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum


[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*