This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
also my go-to takeaway order
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.