AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Monday?
No. Next question.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube