[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.