if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
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Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome
I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.
It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.
mugger: give me your money
me: what service do u provide
mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug
me: how much do u charge
mugger: …all. all ur money
me: be honest with yourself.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.