[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
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Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Never let them know your next move 😂
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’