Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@oxygenplug

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

@AmberTozer

Started a karate club for people who don’t know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you’re interested old ppl are welcome

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@kaL12578

Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.

@Dustinkcouch

mugger: give me your money

me: what service do u provide

mugger: i uh..hmm. i mug

me: how much do u charge

mugger: …all. all ur money

me: be honest with yourself.

mugger: $10.

me:

mugger: $7?

me: deal

@nachosarah

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@vladchoc

Hey look, Grandma! You made the cover of “Didn’t Make Me Any Cookies Weekly” again. “What good is she to anyone?” it says.

@Bownuggets

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

@goofyrice

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.