I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?