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Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.


They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.


Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”


I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.


After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.


banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients


Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.


Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.


This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?