@CAshmanActor

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

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@Pro_Jones_

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@zachraffio

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

@causticbob

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

@TheCiscoKidder

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

@perlhack

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

@impJOKER

Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.

@Divergentmama

Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you please move it out of the laundry room? I’ve had enough.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?