Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
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[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.