@DarkerWillow

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

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@ObscureGent

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

@Demented_Jokes

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

@JakeBeTweeting

I don’t discriminate;

– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake

I love them all equally.

@AbbyHasIssues

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

@dadcid

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

@TheAlexNevil

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”