Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Sing it!
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”