@OhNoSheTwitnt

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

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@alldrolledup

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

@JimmerThatisAll

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

@Tmoney68

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

@ClichedOut

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

@ellorysmith

when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.

@drinksmcgee

If you don’t leave covered in the blood of your vanquished enemies, did you even try your hardest at the father/son 3-legged race?

@SICKOFWOLVES

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

@PeachesMcPeach

Omg. The WiFi went off a minute ago so my kids came out of their rooms. They’re getting so tall!

@TuSoonShakur

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.