Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
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What’s so funny?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up