Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
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I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.