Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Leonardo DiCaprisun
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…