@PatsATweetin

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

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@fishbowel

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

@PharmerRPh

Judge: “Reason for divorce?”

Me: “Reconcilable differences.”

Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?”

Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

@CakeThrottle

My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say ‘It’s so cold out!’ and I say ‘It’s winter’ and then we silently hate each other.

@RobElliottComic

Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack?
Me: ‘BEAR’-ly!
F: HA! Any injuries?
Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE… He’s definitely dead…

@ObscureGent

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

@richyrichric

I swear I heard my dentist whisper “yolo” as he reached for a chisel…

@Freak0nIine

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

@McGrumpenstein

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

@KyleMcDowell86

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions