Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
You Might Also Like
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I identify as an antique shop.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.