Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)