Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.