amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
What a website
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.