AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.