@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

@_mindflakes

“Please stop misquoting me on Twitter,” said my boss. “It makes me sad because I am a large baby with a stupid haircut”

@DirtyMelodies

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

@RickAaron

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

@ObscureGent

The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

@DaddyJew

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@Ahm76

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”