@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

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@bossy_bootz

Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party

Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

@turtledumplin

I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.

@secondofhername

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

@SlothSlouch

I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow

@michaelianblack

Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.

@jamdugg

Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’

@Marlebean

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

@zorgod

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

@awordforaword

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no