Me in my 20’s:
oh cool there’s an after party
Me in my 40’s:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I try to keep my tweets relatable so I only tweet about everyday stuff like coffee, naps and seducing my own shadow
Ugh: I hid three dozen raw eggs in the house last night after taking Ambien and now I can’t find them.
Pretty much everything I know about Caribbean geography, I learned from that Beach Boys song ‘Kokomo.’
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?
[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no