Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
You Might Also Like
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”