How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
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My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.