Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
this country is so goddamn polarized
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.