AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
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The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude