@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

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@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

@Thynebear

[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@AnOrangeSNES

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

@TheOnion

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

@MelvinofYork

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

@LarryJLund

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

@awkwardphilippe

[during sex]

HER: this isn’t working out

ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?

@Daisyldoo

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.