AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I’m calling the cops.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
that lip filler tho
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains