Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
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“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me buying fruit and veg
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.