Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire