Ambien: Where is your unicorn?

Me: I don’t have a unicorn.

A: You better get naked and go into that Arby’s and look for it anyway.

M: Ok.

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“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.


On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to dust” for the past week.


I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.


DATE: This place is so fancy
ME: Ever have a guy splurge on you before?
DATE: Well, only when we didn’t have a condom


Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.


DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME: Sure [loudly chewing a steak] I haven’t brought any money


Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I’d be like cool I’m going home to eat.


“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”