Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.