@loudmouth_usa

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

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@thevickster_sa

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

@packiejam

if i could just have a moment of ur time to show u this…

@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

@yazminda12

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

@Jerrypleasure

Elon Musk: *launches car into space*

Me: why don’t you do something for economically poor class

Elon Musk: *launches bicycle into space*

@CulturedRuffian

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

@flashember

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

@TaylorComedy

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.