[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
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British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I love art.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.