“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Just me and my debit card against the world
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
just gave my 5yo power of attorney