america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

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That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.


i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.


[first day as an undercover police officer]

me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime


Dream girl:
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-abolished slavery
-is Abraham Lincoln


My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.

Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone


“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?


I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.


Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.