That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.
[first day as an undercover police officer]
me: so uhh does anyone want to do some crime tonight? haha i love crime
-can pull off wearing a hat
-a fan of the theater
-is Abraham Lincoln
* flirting with disaster
My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone.
Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren’t poor. #iPhone
I’m confused about plants
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.