My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
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I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it
*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Isn’t that illegal?
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.