AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
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Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
😂💯
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?