If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
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[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.