Pretty sure he’s a ferret
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?
Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”