America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher