if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.