I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don’t have to go to family functions any more.
America is getting murder hornets
Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets
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“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played
Everyone should have that “tester” first twitter account to screw up and learn from… You know, kinda like that first child you have.
*Slips my number to your dog as I leave your party*
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen