When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
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Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter